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Monday, May 31, 2010.
The world is never fair, eh? 2:57 PM I need to rant. Once again. It's the first day of the holidays. It is a bright, sunny morning that foretells people that it is a great day today. But I think it'll never ever happen to me. I thought the cold war is over. It has started again, to my dismay. I NEVER WANTED TO QUARREL WITH YOU ALL. Like my facebook status, I said that one of life's most difficult challenges was to maintain non-violence at home. Right in the morning, I have to withstand insults from my sister. I tried to remain quiet. It's really difficult to do so. Even if I could, I had to keep my fist from ever touching her because she's the goddess in this home. She's everything. I'm like the person they're forced to feed. I ain't human I think. Maybe I'm a dog, eh. Maybe I'm not supposed to be here either. Someone said he's gonna kill me, as a joke. I laughed along. Deep down, I really hoped that he would kill me. Why couldn't you solve my problems? It's because even if I told you, you wouldn't solve it. All you'd do is to add salt to the wound. By continuing to nag at me, by continuing to do nothing, and by continuing to tell me that I'm the one at fault when clearly it's the other person at fault, you're slowly murdering me. You're slowly poisoning my soul, I tell you. I gave you a chance, by telling you that Kimberly had been insulting me all morning. I've given you this chance. All you did was to throw it away. You have made me give up on you. For the umpteenth time. Maybe I'm doing that to you too. But really, you have made me give up on you. You'll still be my mum. You'll still be my sister. You'll still be my dad. But forevermore, all I'll do to you is to use the basic sign language at you. I'll never open my mouth to talk again. It makes no sense to talk you anymore. Even if it's gonna kill me, I'll still not talk. I shall not raise my fists either. Even if it seems like I'm making myself look pitiful, which I sincerely think it is, I shall not talk. I will suffer in silence. Even if you go down on your knees and beg me to tell you my problems, I'll never talk again. Cos you're not solving it. You're worsening my situation. You can say that you've lost me. It's like I'm there physically. But spiritually and psychologically, I'm gone. Byebye world. Presenting you, Jacinta the robot. I'm never going to tell you my problems forevermore. Friday, May 28, 2010.
I cannot fathom WTH you are thinking. 7:35 PM Dear Parents/Siblings, It was very nice of you all to bring me dinner when I'm at home. However, due to her saying "if I do not want to eat, then don't eat", and "you're not obliged to eat", and "I know you don't want to eat it", I lost my appetite. I lie on my bed, happily surfin' the internet, and I've enjoyed a peaceful afternoon ever since she left the house together with my parents. That was one of the reasons why I do not wish to go out with you all. I'm not stupid as to give up a whole afternoon-ful of peace to such a dumb cause. Anyway, wasn't it your wishes for me to go on a diet? Since I've lost my appetite, I wouldn't want to eat, would I? Why is that you people wanting me to eat? Mind you, I'm not at fault. You people are. I didn't do anything. She did. All I wanted was some bit of a revenge by using the bathroom first. Oh, anyway, since when you people felt sorry for me? Now, you people force me to eat when I didn't want to. I really cannot fathom the way you're thinking. In the first place, you all wanted me to not eat. Now, you're forcing me to eat. WTH are you all thinking? Some more the fishballs have gone all hard and fishy smelling. I'LL FORCE YOU TO EAT. I'll see if you'd want to. Yours very crossly, Jacinta Thursday, May 20, 2010.
Split Personality? 7:56 PM When I get home, I'm like all lifeless and unsmiling. A lot of things go through my mind. Like why did I get myself in this mess, and would she go for PTM or something. I somehow hope that she'd forgive me. But I firmly believe that both of us were in fault, and it was a generation gap that caused the problem. Like, due to the generation gap, there was a hugeass misunderstanding. I'm not the kind who'd reach out first. I just can't do it, and my ego is too big to allow me to do it. Sighs. I don't know what to do. Hopefully by PTM it becomes normal again. *** I'm fed up with such a life. When I'm in school, I am so hyper. So happy that I can do anything. It's a huge difference when I'm walking back home. The thought of facing her, and everybody makes me feel like giving up on this life. But I can't day. Heaven forbid me so. While I'm listening to music, I hope the music drowns my senses... And a speeding vehicle comes and crashes into me... And then I die. Even better, I die in my sleep. I'll love that. :( One thought leads to another. After that I wonder what people would say, who would actually attend my funeral. Like what would happen. When I die, during my funeral, nobody should cry. I want a white coffin. :D And pop music to be played. Everyone laughs and jokes. Okay that's kinda creepy. Hahaha.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010.
The Long, long post about my life. 4:05 PM I’m feeling really despondent now. I’m not caring what you’re going to say about me, neither do I care about my sister who might actually see this. I don’t even care if my Mom sees this. All I know is that I need an avenue to rant, to vent the bitterness in my soul. For all I care alright? Yes, while I’m typing this out, you are saying that you’re my stepmother. Whatever. I never said so. I firmly believe that you’re my Mum. I’m just not happy with my life. It’s okay. You don’t have to blame yourself. You can blame me. Put all the blame on me. I’m the world’s worst daughter in the world. Throw all your blame on me. This part is directed to my Mum. (Even though she doesn’t read my blog. ) I wanted to tell you straight in your face. But I cared about your feelings. I kept quiet. I said that you couldn’t solve this. Why did I say so? It’s so because you don’t have to scrimp and give more pocket money to me. You said I keep comparing myself to others, especially my friends. Don’t I have the right to do so? You adults keep comparing us to others. I never complained. Not even once. I gave a effin’ damn for your feelings. I kept quiet. I tried to forget it. I cried my heart out while no one in the house knows. Deep down, I feel so damn AWFUL. Still, I didn’t say anything. You may think that I said all this to make people pity me, and put myself in a better light. NO. N-O, no. I’m not trying to do so. I tried hard to give you the respect you deserved. Sometimes teens are rude for reasons like this. It’s annoying. I know. We all know. I want to avoid it. But it is difficult. Then I cry myself to sleep. I wake up tomorrow, I pretend nothing happened. I mentioned my own money problem to several close friends. People shun me because I keep borrowing money. I do feel embarrassed. But I didn’t want to force you to give me more money. Up till now, I still owe people money. Some a little, some quite a lot. I feared that you would reprimand me. Just now, you said that I treated you like an ATM and that I took more money from you than Kimberly (my sister) does. I am only trying to get the money I earned through holiday work from you. You insisted that you keep it because I’m a spendthrift. I KNOW THE ROOT OF THIS PROBLEM IS BECAUSE I’M A SPENDTHRIFT. I KNOW. I try to not spend too much already. But sometimes, when I go out, I don’t even dare to ask for money. Everyone knows I spend my time after school in the school library. So I usually buy my own lunch. The thing is, due to the morning rush, I forgot to bring my wallet. I borrowed $5 from friends, and stupidly spent it all. I asked my Mum to buy me lunch. I naively thought that I would still be given $5 tomorrow, plus the $5 I have in my wallet to return to my friends whom I borrowed money from. I thought since I seldom came back home from lunch, she’d leave it. What I never thought of was that she wanted reimbursement for the lunch because my sister does so. Mind you, she comes back for lunch every day. I don’t. In fact you saved much more because it’s a standard five bucks, and eating at home usually costs much more (from what you said). And for almost everything, the price has gone up. My pocket money hasn’t for six years. I haven’t complained yet. I hinted, but did nothing when you didn’t get it. Do you actually know how much everything costs these days? Let me calculate: A plate of rice from Uncle Tiong: $2.00 + Drinks $1.00=$3.00// That’s not counting breakfast. If I count, here it is: Chicken Burger: $1.10 + Drinks $1.00=$2.10// Total expenditure: $2.10 + $3.00 = $5.10// It’s not even enough. Sometimes I don’t drink. Which I probably shouldn’t. Look. I haven’t compared myself to others. I calculated the exact amount for you to see. So don’t complain, because it’s clear that I DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH BLOODY MONEY TO EVEN EAT, LET ALONE SAVE. Now that Jiamin gave me a piggy bank, I will have to. Which, according to her, it’s 20 cents every day. Next. You say that I keep using my room to myself, restricting my sister from using it. I need some privacy for goodness sake. Your organ has a room to itself, so why can’t I? If I were to split rooms, why can’t I use this room? Why she can? Why must I let her the room and share a room with your creepy organ? I haven’t complained about the aircon okay. I’m sleeping with a standing fan, which doesn’t oscillate because if it does, it will give you countless sleepless nights by groaning endlessly. I don’t know what to say. You sleep in an airconditioned room, you have nothing to complain about the room being bloody humid. Sure, you suffer from insomnia because of us. Don’t I? All of us do. Part Two is specially dedicated to my sister, Kimberly. Yes I know Mummy and Papa does not practice favouritism. Which I feel is very fortunate, but having a sibling is just hell. Not to mention having to share a room with you, I have to suffer from comparisons, which I know that you suffer from too. I know you’re really feminine, but the seemingly poisonous fumes of your nail polishes JUST IRK ME. It is disgusting. Every day you ask me if this is cute or not. YOU DO KNOW MY ANSWER DON’T YOU? It’s a straight-in-your-face, NO. Stop asking me if your nail designs are cute, because I prefer clean nails without any designs. I am a nerd, a geek and I do not need any nail polishing. I only need a weekly nail cutting session, which I can cope myself without your help, thank you. I also have to tell you that, no, I haven’t been stepping on your bed. I have tried all ways to avoid my foot on your bed. Stop dashing into the room suddenly saying that my feet was on your bed. And of course, I have my own bed, I have lied on it for the past few hours, not yours. It is you who actually keep sitting, stepping and sleeping on my bed without me knowing. And of course I have caught you red handed several times and you boldly denied. I’m not blind, dear sister. I even have an extra pair of eyes. Stop screaming at me saying that I did something to your precious bed. I did nothing. It should be me who should be screaming at you, but I only did that in exasperation. When you annoy me, I entertain you for a few moments, just so you know that you are existent. After that, I clench my fists, grit my teeth and repeatedly tell myself “Don’t do it, don’t do it, you’re stepping into her trap by beating her up or pinching her, whatever.” But as stupid as I am, I fell into your evil traps and then we both get a scolding. Is it so fun? No it isn’t. In fact it is really irksome, and it is infinitely irritating. I really prefer a life without quarrels. So shut up if you can. And of course after that Mummy gets angry, and everyone else is not happy because of your antics. Well, I have been through what you are experiencing. It’s called teenage angst. I know, I’ve been through it before. You flare up suddenly, but I try to avoid talking back at all costs. You don’t understand, do you? Grow up. Two years later, I hope you understand. Lastly, why do you have to fight over everything I want? I borrowed a laptop from Uncle, you keep fighting over it. We have a desktop computer, I’ve changed the RAM like 2 or 3 months ago, the only bloody problem is the off colour. What’s your problem? I don’t understand why you have to fight with me over everything. Of course, I asked for it, I WOULD OF COURSE TRY TO KEEP YOUR PIGGY HANDS AWAY FROM IT. But it’s different with adults. They think we should share, because SHARING is CARING. I beg to differ. Go away. It’s because of you that I have to share. It’s not that I don’t like you. It’s because the way you say ‘unfair’ over everything as if you’re liking every Facebook page. It’s not easy to live with you. But guess what? I still have to live with you. The last part is about my father. He definitely doesn’t even know I have a blog. STOP SMOKING. When you stop, your health gets better. Your pocket doesn’t have a big hole for money to drop out of. I know you try to save money by rolling your own cigarettes. NO, IT DOESN’T WORK THIS WAY. I don’t know how much your rolled cigarettes cost, but let’s say it costs about $6, and you buy it about twice a week: $6 x 8= $42 $42 x 12 =$504 And that’s like $504 saved per year! I know it’s much lesser compared to cigarettes, but hey, these tobaccos are like worse? They harm you even more. ‘Nuff said. Stop smoking. And one thing I really detest about you? It’s the morning rush. I’m a girl, and Kimberly’s a girl. We have long hair. We need to tie our hair before we go to school or we will look like monsters. Who do you care more, the banglas, or your daughters? OBVIOUSLY US RIGHT? I know at Whitley, there’s always a big jam due to two schools being to close, and Catholic High has a lot of rich and wealthy idiots (YES I MUST RANT ABOUT THESE DRIVERS LATER ON) who drive slowly, take their own sweet time, say byebye to their precious princes. Of course Whitley there also got students being dropped off, but it’s mostly the CH people. I know it all comes down to the heavy burden of responsibility, but what the hell, your boss is your BRO!!! Can’t he understand your predicament? Explain lah! Those banglas can wait one la. All they know is to clog the casino at RWS to get free drinks and stink up the whole casino only. So stop rushing me in the morning. We only have 30 minutes to wash up, brush teeth, wear uniform, tie hair, wear socks, do a little bit of last minute packing, drink milo, collect water bottles. We have two hands, two legs and we are human. You’re a guy and you have short hair. Stop rushing me. Oh and did I mention that I have find my wallet sometimes? Because of you rushing, I forgot to take my wallet along today. And it all sparked a quarrel. Really, DON’T RUSH ME. It’s not easy to do all these in 30 minutes. AND THOSE DRIVERS! You bloody hell drive a decent BMW. It has good stats, don’t let it go to waste. I don’t know why, but you drivers keep taking your own sweet time to drive past. IT IS BRUDDY HELL ANNOYING OKAY! Maybe with all these things, it’s my own fault. Maybe I shouldn’t open my mouth to talk anymore. Since life is so difficult, maybe I should disappear. Just last Sunday, catechism mentioned death. I gave it a long, good thought. I know people around me may feel sad and depressed if I gave up on this life. But in the same way, they feel sad and depressed if I’m alive too. Maybe I should run away. Dear ol’ God, what should I do with this life? I’ve spent about two hours typing about 2000 over words out. Jesus, help me find the way. Amen.
Monday, May 17, 2010.
Woohoo! 7:01 PM Hmm maybe I should post more huh? Anyway-I-am-so-friggin'-happy-even-though-I-failed-F&N-and-Comb.Humans-was-a-C6! Wheeee! I've got an A1 for math! I haven't actually done a full paper and passed it, let alone getting a distinction! Mr Loh's mock tests surely works! (Note to self: Don't be lazy, when Prelims and O's approaches, spam myself with mock tests. Cos it works.) Hokay all because of Math, the whole thing is not a fiasco anymoreee! YAYYYYYYYYYYY!!! Ya know what? Mr Zaman mistook me as a Sec 3 when I went down to the foyer to collect the schedules and everything. Lol. *** I need a confirmation name. Well, for you people out there, here's the definition: Confirmation, also known as Chrismation, is one of the seven sacraments through which Catholics pass in the process of their religious upbringing. According to Catholic doctrine, in this sacrament they receive the Holy SpiritYup. So I need a 'new' name. That complements my current name, Jacinta. It means hyacinth. (Don't laugh. Okay I don't know why but yeah.) There's one I really liked, I liked the story too, but I wonder if it fits my name: Philomena- The name Philomena (fee-lo-MAY-nah) is of Latin origin. The inscription on the original loculus tiles, is Filumena. The word filia is Latin for daughter. The word, lumena, is Latin for, light, lamp, lantern; light of day; the eye; clearness; understanding.I don't know. But somehow I was rather attracted to it. Hmm. Another thing: I need white skirts that fit me. Anyone? .
New blogskin/Exam disappointments 12:05 AM I'm feeling hungry. Aaaaargh. Anyway, I've just edited the blogskin. I've downloaded GIMP into the laptop, and I wanted to test it out. So... of course, in a flash of inspiration, I've made the all new, brighter than ever, blogskin! I'm proud of myself. It's like, I've done it in a day :D And it's reaching 12 midnight now! Can't believe it man. I'm still awake at this time. Though the new blogskin looks kinda similar to the previous one, (it should cos I merely edited the basecodes) I've tweaked some other things. Hahaha! And I'm experimenting with brushes! :DDDDDDDD On a side note, I'm starting to feel downhill with the whole exam thing. It's like a major fiasco in my short sixteen-year life. Dread what's gonna happen later (It's officially twelve as I type now). I keep telling myself I wouldn't fail. But all the results I get seem to reflect the opposite. See, I failed English P2, I failed Chemistry, though I was awesomely delighted with Physics, Chemistry pulled down the whole Comb. Sci marks, and from what I've calculated, it's a pitiful B4. Sickening. Hais. It's all because the teachers changed. :( Yeah I'm partly at fault too. Plus, I've got a miserable C6 for HCL. And what's worse? I didn't finish SS and History paper. It's another subject I'm failing. Hope all goes well, later. Needless to say, I've failed POA. My report book for this term is gonna be unsightly. Wednesday, May 5, 2010.
Birthday! 7:03 PM Firstly, I'd like to wish- HAPPY BIRTHDAY JIAMIN! Yeah that's it. No la. Alright, I'll try to go in chronological order. Here goes: -Felicia's chicken rice -My parents' Zinc bag -Jiamin's piggy bank (yeah Jiamin I'll take you and Kaixin's advice and save up now. LOL.) -Geok Mooi's chocolate -Kaixin's chocolate -Godma's chocolate and facial wash Yeah that's about it. Of course, huge thanks to people who have wished me Happy Birthday over Facebook, face-to-face or sms. I appreciate each and every one of it! Thanks! :D:D:D *** Although I tried to be as positive as possible, I think I'm screwed for SS and Chem. 13 points gone!! Heart break seh. Some more Chem I forgot how to calculate mole. Probably about 10-20 points gone (didn't count, sekali after that I might just get a heart attack.). BUT ANYWAYYYYY, I feel much happier after eating Subway. I'm gonna loooove Subway from April 10 onwards! (Eh I ate Subway on my Mom's birthday, then now I ate it the second time on my birthday!) LOL. I WILL NOT FAIL. WHEN I GET MY RESULTS BACK, IT WILL BE A DECENT PASS. \m/ Monday, May 3, 2010.
Omg. 8:11 PM There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it: FIRST: Emergency. The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialledeven if the keypad is locked. Try it out. SECOND: Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other 'remote' for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk). Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a mobile phone!' THIRD: Hidden Battery Power. Imagine your mobile battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile next time. FOURTH: How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone? To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: * # 0 6 # A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones. Also -ATM PIN Number Reversal - Good to Know If you should ever be forced by a robber to withdraw money from an ATM machine, you can notify the police by entering your PIN # in reverse. For example, if your pin number is 1234, then you would put in 4321. The ATM system recognizes that your PIN number is backwards from the ATM card you placed in the machine. The machine will still give you the money you requested, but unknown to the robber, the police will be immediately dispatched to the location. This information was recently broadcast on CTV by Crime Stoppers however it is seldom used because people just don't know about it. Well, I actually tried out the first and third one. The first one WORKED. The third one, however, didn't. But then I suppose it's because my battery was three bars out of five. Hahaha. But I'm gonna try that when by battery's out of juice.
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