I think I've changed. Maybe it's just a more complicated and challenging level, but deep down, I think I've changed.

I did not study for PSLE. I didn't fear failure.

I'm striving hard to understand the concepts every subject teacher is trying to teach. I fear failure. Hence I cried. That day. 

I told myself, despite that so called "power"* you have, YOU HAVE to overcome that power, by hook or by crook. So I promised myself to get really down-to-earth, and start studying. It's late. 

But no, this level, is more difficult than I actually thought. Because to overcome this level, you have to pay attention to the earlier levels. Which I didn't.

Now I try so very hard to give my all in every subject. 

But the teacher who almost everyone else understood, I didn't. Maybe it was myself to blame. I tried every mean and way I could to understand, but no.

Today, I realised that how lousy I am in HCL. In HCL, the questions they ask in Compre OE is highly philosophical. Yet I cannot comprehend, I always get that lousy score. 

I start to question my capabilities. I feel inferior. But of course no one else knows. 

*I don't know if I really had this power, but it's kinda freaky and I believe that there is. The opposite happens if I hope/want that something hard enough. Hmm.

It's Saturday. So I get to spend time alone. Yayness. Don't really like 'em to interfere with my day, seriously.

So I play computer almost the whole day. Maybe I'm in love with myself, but I really like being at home alone. But the downside is that I only have 3 bucks for the day. Which IMO is damn fucking meagre la. Especially for a fat person like me. What I did was go downstairs to buy instant noodles. What else can you buy with 3 bucks for BRUNCH these days? Somemore can last me longer. PLUS THEY KEEP KOPING MY NOODLES LOR!

Okay for that I don't really like them to find out that I ate noodles. Because after that, they'll nag (especially health-conscious mother) and so on. And I'm freaked out by the rubbish chute. Cos after an incident where a roach landed on my hand, I totally got cockroach-o-phobic. I couldn't throw it in the kitchen bin either, cos they'll find out. So I have to throw it out of the window, lar. (Yeah I'm a fucking litterbug. Not happy? Come fight la. Or because you've freaked out because you have a litterbug for a friend?) I know I'm at fault. My sister knows that I do this sometimes.

Anyway, after that when they came home at like 8 plus, I haven't ate dinner. Apparently they saw the litter on the ground floor. So they thought it was me. I denied. But I admitted that I had instant noodles for lunch brunch. Then because of that she quarrel with me lor! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL. 

By the way after that my dad brought me dinner. Which was economic rice. With veggie (YUCK!) and some unknown part of a pig with lots of bones (MORE YUCK!). I don't feel like eating now, although I'm forcing my mouth to open up and shovel more rice down my throat.

Why must bad things happen one after another?

• Not listening to lessons.
• Wasting my time so damn much.
• Being defiant. 
• Taking so many bloody things for granted.
• Not thinking twice for every action I've done.
  

What the bloody hell.