im thinking:
why am i born.
why did my life change so DRASTICALLY.
from my perfect life in primary school,
to a teenage life in secondary school.
my teenage life's getting very emo.
if u remembered, i was, in overall,
happy in primary school.
apart from the times i cried.
now, i dont cry that much in school.
im crying HARD. from my heart.
im crying more at home.
我不甘心.为什么老天一定要对我这样?
为什么他要这样的玩弄我?
is my life so fun for you to play with?
zz
from a voice, deep from my heart,
i feel like committing suicide.
yet, another voice tells me that
think of the fun.
think of the consequences.
im in a vortex.
in a middle of a crossroad.
i feel like. DYING.
i have no dreams.
im crying in the middle of the night.
no one knows.
though, not really crying.
it's my heart which cries.
i dont feel good.
my problems, no one knows.
i cant spill it out.
not everyone can exactly know how i feel.
the vortex, only allows someone who knows how i feel to go in.
the vortex. it's my heart. the voice. that's shouting at me.
this was what i wanted to tell my mother.


dear mum:

you didnt know how i feel. you werent me. my life is changing like i change clothes everyday. it's very rapid. like MRT. very drastic. i cant adapt to it. it's because, your era wasnt mine. mine was a time, whereby all things are very very very disastrous. one mistake costs you time to mend it back. you didnt know that i was thinking of suicide sometimes. you didnt know that my smiling face was only a mask. a mask to cover all the things you didnt know. you said that i could bare my heart out to you, but i NEVER had a chance to. i wanted to say sorry to you that day, you never gave me a chance to. i also know that you will never see my blog. i know that even no one will care about this. the dam is breaking, and im writing EVERYTHING i dont feel good onto this post. i also know that, "sorry" cant cure.

but, i only still wanted to say this to you. im sorry.

no one knows.




im sad. i need space to shout.
i want freedom.
i want computer.
computer is the only thing that i can forget everything.
but. it is temporary.
it will all come back to me.
grant me my wishes.
i WAS a loudmouth.
now, i only shout when needed.
you wont know.
you never know.
you didnt know.
you didnt want to know.
you didnt give yourself a chance to know.


welcome to my life. it sucks.